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"We've finally eradicated petty crime in our town."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

Sherlock Holmes selling Sherlock Holmes.

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

'No doubt about it Captain. See these markings? This arrow belongs to Robin Hood!'

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

"Talk, Wallace - where'd you hide the loot?"

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"I don't have my law degree yet but I've got an internship down in cell block 'D'."

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

OK! I promise that the questions will be easy!

"Don't editorialize."

Fred Dinsdale - Forensic expert.

"Number 2. Step forward please."

"We need rain."

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

'It was part way through the initial investigation that detective Walters felt as if he was being watched, but there was no one in the room. No one that is except the cat, who sat contently on the chair and watched him with an almost human repose.'

Next camera crew 5 mins

"True crime meets reality TV"

He's making a list --- Holmes solves cases quicker when he itemizes deductions.

'Then my brother said he'd like to bury the hatchet...'

'Any ideas on motive?' 'Only one, Chief.'

'Keep an eye on that one. He looks like a sketchy character to me.'

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

"The DNA sample from the mink fibres found in the suspect's car matched the DNA sample from the mink coat found at the scene of the crime, so I'm thinking, maybe these minks were twins?"

'You know, this is a pretty dangerous line of work you're in...'

'Yes, folks, the victim was a bolt. Now, I'm afraid, he's a deadbolt.'

Police outline artist training academy: the intro 101 class.

'The police is looking for a teenager who reads books... I bet they'll never solve this case!'

Bribery and Corruption.

CSI Wonderland. (Photographer takes a picture of a cracked Humpty Dumpty. Investigators collect evidence from the scene.)

'By the looks of these skid marks, Humpty didn't fall- he was pushed!'

"I'm sorry- when you said 'bad' cop, I assumed you meant incompetent."

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."