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'Yes! That's it! --- Only the handles were a lot longer.'

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

"I don't have my law degree yet but I've got an internship down in cell block 'D'."

I understand that our cat Magus died. I miss her a lot. But I wish my parents wouldn't tiptoe around it. House of Java.net Cybercafe. You don't have to watch Youtube clips of CSI: Miami to understand that death is a part of life. The thing I don't understand about our cat's death is, who would've killed her and left a mountain of unresolved clues that only a crack forensics team can figure out? Where were you at 8:45 p.m.? The Youtube Generation grows up fast.

OK! I promise that the questions will be easy!

"Don't editorialize."

'Breaking Bad' Box Set Addiction.

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Number 2. Step forward please."

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

'Keep an eye on that one. He looks like a sketchy character to me.'

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

Mobsters at the Beach

'You know, this is a pretty dangerous line of work you're in...'

'The police is looking for a teenager who reads books... I bet they'll never solve this case!'

"They've solved the cause of death of Richard III."

"Now don't do anything flashy with the money, like pay off all your student loans at once."

'With the kind cooperation of the underworld, we present live, for the first time on TV, an actual holdup.'

"Take your time, sir. Tell me if you can see the thief."

Notorious gangsters, Bunny and Clyde.

'Oh, hello Dave. Would you like that in untraceable, used notes, like last time?'

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

Fish mobsters.

'Looks like the victim was trying to tell us something,'

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."

"I did, boss, I swear, I buried him myself."

"Let's try it again. Hand over your wallet, and this time, don't try anything funny."

"I couldn't finish that book either."

"It's a blood curdling novel about the brutal murder of a publisher who rejected a book about the brutal murder of a publisher..."

"I like his style. He makes it look like an accident."

Gangster's To-Do List

Ignorance of the Law

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.