Crime Connoisseur Pillows

'I think I can solve our budget problem with the color scanner, color laser printer and this twenty-dollar bill!'

All my fake IDs and forged documents were stolen. Please help.

Frivolous Fraud Squad

'I've just done the off license.'

"Does this count as photo I.D.?"

You have the right to remain silent

"These career criminals take things too far."

'I like being my own boss, but there's no job security. For example, if I get caught, I'm not eligible for severance pay.'

'Anything interesting happen today, dear?'

The Philip Marlow family

"One day all this will be yours."

'I'm doing a little quantative easing of my own.'

'Psssst, Bud! Wanna buy a TV shot by Elvis?'

Prisoner: 'And this is the first dollar i ever counterfeited.'

"Sir, your change."

Man stabbed in crime section of library, writing 'AAGH!' on piece of paper.

'Armed robbers are sexy and exciting, but kleptomaniacs make the best providers.'

'This is a personal insult to me and my family. Paulie, word is you regifted that horse's head I gave you last month. . .'

Fly mugger mugging with fly swatter.

Which goes best with blood?

'Don't worry -- if business doesn't pick up soon, we can turn ourselves in for the REWARDS!'

Man with bite in him must find the perpetrator at a police station lineup.

Court rooms. The judge imposed sentences today and he went easy in the first couple cases -- the lamp store robber was given a light sentence and the judge said the guy who packed up and skipped out on his rent was only guilty of a simple "moving" violation. On the other hand, the defendant convicted of illegal downloading had the e-book thrown at him. Was the judge tough on the politician who embezzled from the statehouse building fund? Yeah, he takes "capitol" crimes very seriously!

Crime Writer's Society.

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

"I don't have my law degree yet but I've got an internship down in cell block 'D'."

OK! I promise that the questions will be easy!

"Don't editorialize."

"Number 2. Step forward please."

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

'If anybody here knows why these two should not be wed...'

'Keep an eye on that one. He looks like a sketchy character to me.'

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

'You know, this is a pretty dangerous line of work you're in...'