Crime Connoisseur Gifts

'I think I can solve our budget problem with the color scanner, color laser printer and this twenty-dollar bill!'

Frivolous Fraud Squad

'I've just done the off license.'

"Does this count as photo I.D.?"

You have the right to remain silent

"These career criminals take things too far."

'I like being my own boss, but there's no job security. For example, if I get caught, I'm not eligible for severance pay.'

'Anything interesting happen today, dear?'

The Philip Marlow family

"One day all this will be yours."

'I'm doing a little quantative easing of my own.'

Prisoner: 'And this is the first dollar i ever counterfeited.'

"Sir, your change."

Man stabbed in crime section of library, writing 'AAGH!' on piece of paper.

'Armed robbers are sexy and exciting, but kleptomaniacs make the best providers.'

'This is a personal insult to me and my family. Paulie, word is you regifted that horse's head I gave you last month. . .'

Fly mugger mugging with fly swatter.

Which goes best with blood?

'Don't worry -- if business doesn't pick up soon, we can turn ourselves in for the REWARDS!'

Man with bite in him must find the perpetrator at a police station lineup.

Crime Writer's Society.

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

"I don't have my law degree yet but I've got an internship down in cell block 'D'."

OK! I promise that the questions will be easy!

"Don't editorialize."

"Number 2. Step forward please."

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

'Keep an eye on that one. He looks like a sketchy character to me.'

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

'You know, this is a pretty dangerous line of work you're in...'

'The police is looking for a teenager who reads books... I bet they'll never solve this case!'

"Take your time, sir. Tell me if you can see the thief."

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."

'With the kind cooperation of the underworld, we present live, for the first time on TV, an actual holdup.'

Notorious gangsters, Bunny and Clyde.