Crime Story Connoisseur Gifts

'I'm only here to pep up my autobiography.'

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

The Elliot Ness monster.

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"Stop summoning me about rising sea levels. I do costumed supervillains staling jewels, men in beanies grabbing handbags - that sort of thing."

Cat Burglar

"'A body at rest'? -- Are you writing murder mysteries now, Isaac?"

'Ah Mr Bond, I haven't been expecting you...'

The Philip Marlow family

'You shouldn't knock them back so quickly.'

Money laundering - shows money flowing out of US vault.

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

Whodunnit. Whoreallydunnit.

"I felt I could make more of a difference within the system."

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

The evidence destroyed

'They're very proud of me. I'm the first in my family to be convicted of a white-collar crime.'

'Any ideas on motive?' 'Only one, Chief.'

'I don't know officer: They all look alike to me...'

'All right pal, just hand over the nose and nobody gets hurt.'

"Then leave the horses head in the Futon." Middle-class mafia

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

'This could be me and you, your honor. Heading for Las Vegas!'

''Rumplestiltskin' sounds like an ALIAS to me!'

"Don't make me send in the bad cat."

"You're not grandma at all! In fact, I think this is a case of identity theft!"

Mafia Short-Term Memory Clinic. 'Fuhgettaboutit.'

'Mark Antony addreses the mob'

The Ballad of the Lavender Dot - Part Three

Fish mobsters.

"Damn it—I told them I was too well known for undercover work!"

Moses as a mobster.

"This little piggy went to market, this little piggy drove the getaway car..."

PARALEGAL, 'Hi -- I'm a paracriminal.'