Crime Comedy Aficionados Gifts

"Good evening sir. Could I interest you in one of our latest security devices?"

"Hey you, come back here with that stereo!"

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

"The article says there was a break-in at the museum last night. I don't suppose you know anything about that."

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

'Not much cop are you!'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

"Embezzlement is now called virtual bank robbery."

'Give Me All The Money In My Account'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

'First Lady Lettuce goes missing...'

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

For the last time, officer, I'm absolutely, positively sure it was number four.

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"Honestly, guys, my check is in the mail."

'Sorry Rocko, you know how it works. Step on a crack, break your mother's back.'

'I'm hoping to get into Crime Sprees.'

"The weeds - I want 'em whacked."

Decision on the flip of a coin...

Man sees his double in ID parade. Policeman says: 'Please indicate which of these men stole your identity.'

'Okay, I'll give you the money, but this could negatively affect your credit rating.'

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

Good Mop, Bad Mop.