Crazy Dog Lady Club Gifts

"Jessica Jo's white, Tucker's black, Tag's white, Pepper's red, Peekay is gray, Junie is gray, Jamie's brown – and, by the way, Jessica Jo is gifted."

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

Radiator jazz player

'Do you know the way to San Jose without breaking into a Bacharach number?'

"Depressed? No doubt. Overwhelmed? Obviously. Crazy? I don't think so."

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'We've tried everything else without success and have now made the decision to adopt.'

"Would you like to try them out?"

'I'll have the steak and she'll have the tuna.'

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

"And your baskets include dead crickets, old socks, mice guts and toilet water."

"Love means I narrowly chose you over a bunch of cats."

My Bowl Is Empty.

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

'You only love me because you haven't got a boyfriend!'

"My husband finally taught him to use the toilet but can't convince him to give up kitty litter."

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'

The chefs were helping local actors who were tired of having short roles... by giving them a long loaf!

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

Fair readers, please accept these personal tips for remaining healthy and germ free. Public service announcement! Keep your stress low. Exercise, eat right, hydrate and try to get a little affection in your life, if you get my meaning. If you use someone else's computer, wipe down the keyboard with alcohol to kill the germs. Ditto with the mouthpiece of a borrowed cellular phone. Don't touch anything or anyone. Bathe yourself in hand sanitizer. Don't leave the house, and if you do, don't inhale

"I want to report a race crime.'

"It's not you. It's pea."

Lady to lady about disguised lady: 'She's new to our Secret Sister program.'

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

Hello, sir, we're the post-Halloween, leftover candy, concerned citizens patrol.

"It doesn't matter. They give us the same food no matter where we are."

Cat Wake-up

"He seems to have done a complete turnaround."

Ok, I know a sarcastic slow clap when I hear one.

Hamlet

'He's lying about either a fish or his penis.'

'We are banned from reporting inside that country, so instead our correspondent joins us from the Dog and Duck, just around the corner.'