Court Reporters Gifts

'Sure, I've had a few run-ins with the law. But it wasn't all my fault. As a child I was once left … unsupervised.'

'That defense lawyer was really brilliant at jury selection...just ask the defendant!'

Clancy: Conviction

"Call it intuition or whatever, but I can't help thinking you may not be telling the truth."

"In your own words, describe to the court. . . what you witnessed - and when and where you witnessed it, Mister Jehovah."

Trial by Media

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

"Now that's a win."

'Normally, I hate a rush to judgement - but I'm doing this case pro bono.'

'When you get up on the stand be sure to keep your answers short. A whole lot of barking will only frighten the jury.'

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

"Objection! Pummelling the witness."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I've got to ask you another question. I heard someone in the courtroom shout out the correct answer."

'The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth in what sense?'

"Boy is he good! He's even got me convinced you're guilty!"

"I'm not leading the witness; I'm winding up my segment on heinous crimes!"

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

'I can hardly wait for someone to invent paper.'

"'If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all' doesn't work with a grand jury."

'Why is it always about me?'

'It wasn't a hate crime, Your Honor — I actually kind of liked the guy.'

'Is there any chance I could do the five years vicariously?'

Weapens of Mass Instruction

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client blah blah...."

"Repeat after me..."

'You use the former when wooing your beloved and the latter during negotiations with your divorce lawyers.'

'Then if there are no objections, we will recess until tomorrow morning.'

"Your honor, I intend to put the system on trial."

"My next witness is his Google Assistant."

'With the kind cooperation of the underworld, we present live, for the first time on TV, an actual holdup.'

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

"We, the jury, find the defendant."

"The Defendant must stop trying to side-step every question the prosecution asks!"

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

"We, the jury, award the plaintiffs 100 trillion dollars - just because."