Court Reporter Gifts

"No, I can't explain it. He was alive when I buried him."

'Should I make a note of the fact that the witness has grown a Pinocchio nose, your honor?'

'Your witness.'

'Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, except if your wife asks if she looks fat?'

''How do you plead' is just a legal term.'

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and not in some sneaky relativistic way?"

It's hard to defend plagiarism.

"We, the jury, award the plaintiffs 100 trillion dollars - just because."

'I'll answer the question provided you listen without interrupting, commenting or passing judgment.'

'Early Court Reporting.' 'Could you slow down, already?'

'Through no fault of my own, I have a tendency to shade the truth.'

Extreme Court Reporting

'Objection! Counselor is leading the witness!'

'When you get up on the stand be sure to keep your answers short. A whole lot of barking will only frighten the jury.'

'My testimony is not the whole truth... but it is truthesque.'

"Meat cleaver this, meat cleaver that. How am I supposed to get a fair trial if they keep bringing up the meat cleaver?"

"It is my considered opinion that drowning occurred due to a faulty room humidifier."

'Have you considered going wireless?'

Low Class Action Suit

'Why, first thing on Monday mornings, do I always get someone who can't enunciate very well?'

'Before I read the verdict, I'd like to announce that several of us will be appearing on court TV and we hope you'll watch.'

"Forgive me, Judge, but I've had a convenient loss of memory."

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

'I can hardly wait for someone to invent paper.'

"Your Honor, don't blame my client for his previous verbal obfuscation. He's suffering from straighforwardness dysfunctionality."

"I swear to tell my own truth..."

'Would you call yourself a reliable witness?' 'Who said that?'

'I firmly believe in the right to a speedy trial.'

Stenographer wants 15 minutes of court repeated

'What luck! A court reporter.'

'Okay, now read that back to me in your best James Earl Jones voice.'

"For the last time! No more DNA evidence!!"

'Steno Keypads 50% OFF' 'So, would you like the model that only types verbs, or the one that only types nouns?'

'Read the suspect's statement back to me.' 'Aayagh! Stop it! Aayagh! All right! I confess.'

'Oaths by witnesses are passé. Now we use truth serum.'