Court Reporter Prints

"No, I can't explain it. He was alive when I buried him."

'Should I make a note of the fact that the witness has grown a Pinocchio nose, your honor?'

'Your witness.'

'Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, except if your wife asks if she looks fat?'

''How do you plead' is just a legal term.'

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and not in some sneaky relativistic way?"

It's hard to defend plagiarism.

"We, the jury, award the plaintiffs 100 trillion dollars - just because."

'I'll answer the question provided you listen without interrupting, commenting or passing judgment.'

'Early Court Reporting.' 'Could you slow down, already?'

'Through no fault of my own, I have a tendency to shade the truth.'

Extreme Court Reporting

"It is my considered opinion that drowning occurred due to a faulty room humidifier."

'Why, first thing on Monday mornings, do I always get someone who can't enunciate very well?'

'Have you considered going wireless?'

"Meat cleaver this, meat cleaver that. How am I supposed to get a fair trial if they keep bringing up the meat cleaver?"

'When you get up on the stand be sure to keep your answers short. A whole lot of barking will only frighten the jury.'

'My testimony is not the whole truth... but it is truthesque.'

Low Class Action Suit

'Objection! Counselor is leading the witness!'

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

'Before I read the verdict, I'd like to announce that several of us will be appearing on court TV and we hope you'll watch.'

"Forgive me, Judge, but I've had a convenient loss of memory."

'I can hardly wait for someone to invent paper.'

"I swear to tell my own truth..."

"Your Honor, don't blame my client for his previous verbal obfuscation. He's suffering from straighforwardness dysfunctionality."

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

'What luck! A court reporter.'

'Steno Keypads 50% OFF' 'So, would you like the model that only types verbs, or the one that only types nouns?'

'I firmly believe in the right to a speedy trial.'

'Oaths by witnesses are passé. Now we use truth serum.'

Stenographer wants 15 minutes of court repeated

'Would you call yourself a reliable witness?' 'Who said that?'

'Evidence will clearly show that Grandma was run over by a reindeer coming home from the plaintiff's home on Christmas Eve.'

'Read the suspect's statement back to me.' 'Aayagh! Stop it! Aayagh! All right! I confess.'