Court Musician Gifts

"Normally, you would just say 'all rise' when I enter the courtroom."

Gary turns 40.

Before getting a basketball scholarship, Jack worked at a pancake house.

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

"I'm not leading the witness; I'm winding up my segment on heinous crimes!"

'My client has required the services of countless law enforcement, court, penal and probation personnel. He's not a menace...he's a jobs creator!'

'... and finally, before tip-off, let's all be courteous and turn off our cell phones.'

'Honest, sir. I'm sorry! I take it all back.'

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

"Let's try the swearing-in process again, and this time, without the high-fives at the end."

Love All

"We can't put you in a Witness-Protection Program unless you actually witnessed something."

'It's not so much to protect his identity - he's just ugly.'

"Do I have to pay the plaintiff the same amount again for each rerun of my case on TV?"

Barristers wearing clothes pegs to overcome a bad smell

'Might as well get comfortable. The appeal process can take forever.'

'Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?'

"O.K., O.K., house arrest."

'Your Honor, I'm here to make excuses for my client.'

First violinist has an 'MVP' sign on his chair

"Your Honor, if it please the court I'd like to deliver my opening comments in the form of a power ballad."

Well, since your sentence is only for five years, you might as well go on home now.

"The jury will disregard this witness' testimony as nothing but hearsay!"

A barrister with his first brief

'How bad is it?'

'Your Honor, my client pleads not guilt to the charge of sexual harassment by reason of a testosterone surge.'

'Timeout! ... Coaching change.'

"That M'lud, is the prosecutions case."

'My client's defense is that the bank was an attractive nuisance.'

'Your first trial?'

'He's a little unpredictable, but with the right combination of medication and therapy, he can make an impact on this league.'

"Umm. . . Hello? I'm over here!"

'I'll tell you what worries me -- What if they name a special prosecutor, and HE starts naming special prosecutors?'

'You won't be able to afford a top lawyer like me for very long. But, maybe just long enough to give your wife one heck of a scare.'