Cosmic Dealmaker Gifts

'Bill, we've decided to increase your sales territory.'

"And need I remind you, the 'art of the deal' is the lifeblood of this company."

'The good news is we've discovered a vast new oil resource. The bad news is we need a space ship to get there.'

"You called me, boss?" "Yes, I overheard you talking to patrons about all the new planets we’ve found." "I want you to stop doing that." "At least until I’m done buying up as much of that real estate as I can. I don’t need any competitors driving up the prices." "Very bad man." "When the hipsters run out of cities to gentrify here, my properties on Gliese 581c are going to make a killing."

Frank and Ernest Celestial Accountants. How's the audit of the Bankrupt Universe, Inc. going, Ernie? At first I thought it was a personnel problem -- Halley's Comet shows up once every seventy-six years, the supernovas are a bunch of burnouts and of course planet Mercury only works eighty-eight days a year. But the real problem isn't personnel, it's corporate strategy! Strategy? What's wrong? Universe, Inc. thinks it can keep expanding and expanding forever and ever!

"I hear the Universe is expanding - set up a meeting with their people."

Big Bang For Your Buck Investments...Specializing in space technology.

'A hostile takeover just wasn't feasible, so we agreed to a hostile merger.'

"Because of the economic situation they've relaxed the rules."

"Can you believe those guys? We tell them absolutely, positively no further negotiations, and they stop negotiating!"

"The Oaths of the Venture Capitalists."

"I'd prefer a win-win solution – but I'm open to just a win."

'The trick is to be gentle yet firm in negotiations. I prefer soft money and hard liquor.'

The Death Star gets a marketing makeover.

Just Merged.

'Everything is negotiable, including my integrity.'

"Is there room for me?"

"From now on we’ll no longer pay your trucking company for driving for us. We’d like to be paid by you because you’re allowed to transport our great products!"

"I've been entangled with a photon on the other side of the galaxy for eons, and then yesterday, out of the blue, she said she wants to date OTHER particles!"

"Oh dear did we neglect to read the contract thoroughly?"

'If the universe is expanding, shouldn't we invest?'

Apostle shopping at 'Aeroapostle' Store.

Ok, I've set you up with an offshore back account, so you can hide your valuables for use after the oncoming apocalypse. You're too kind, sir. Where is it? Caymans? Switzerland? That's amateur stuff. The economy's increasingly global. When America goes down, it could take the Swiss and Cayman economies down with it. Then where – To open your account, I'll need your passport, tax returns, and a map of your genome. Bank of Deneb Prime. Trump turned me on to it.

'This bathroom ain't big enough for the both of us.'

'They're still ticked off about losing the cost-of-living allowance.'

"And this graph illustrates how our merger talks are going with Behemoth Industries."

'Make it seven beans and you got yourself a deal.'

"Then it's agreed. Watson, Smith, Teller, and Wilson go to Heaven; Jones, Paducci, and Horner go to Hell; and Fenton and Miller go to arbitration."

"Oops - a leftover piece. Where does this go? Should I toss it? Why did I even create an appendix?"

"I'm confused. Are we your attorneys or are you our attorneys?"

Subway rider holds onto man's tie.

"Selling China to China. Now that's going to be a challenge."

Last night I met an interesting guy online. He's an Aries with a trust fund rising.

The truth about crop circles

"Trump has his finger on the button..."