Cosmic Cost-cutter Gifts

Offshore Outsourcing

No, I didn't know they were going to cut the office furniture budget in half.

'We should buy London and ship it to the States!'

'Office' block tightening it's belt

'According to the budget, we'll have to count on body heat to keep the offices warm.'

Phil would get giddy after a large print run, but the company was saving a fortune.

"I know we said we would get you a laptop.. but this will have to do until business gets better."

'And finally, a steady decline in earnings has forced us to trim the presentations budget.'

'What do you think of the new Mars Mover I just ordered from The Whole Mars Catalogue?'

Janet always was ahead of the curve...she outsourced herself.

"Moreover, profits double if we move in with our parents."

'If I'm going to do an effective job of reducing costs, I'm going to need a bigger budget.'

'And finally, there's option three, a classic business model that would reduce our marketing, supply-chain and production expenses by 85 percent!' '

"We can probably just about afford to run the pilot-light."

"I can build it. My price is 300 oxen and a flock of sheep. A roof would be 250 sheep extra."

'I've just thought of a way to save the company £1800 a month.'

Connect This, Woo-Woos

'I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go...we've just sourced somebody in Mumbai who's 34% better at being you for 29% less!'

Tax Preparer. I'm working on my client's tax returns. Mars, being the "red planet," is claiming a business operating loss. Jupiter, with all those moons, takes deductions for almost 70 dependents. And earth has no new nations this year ... so no "capitol gains" to declare. Did Mercury lower his taxes? Yeah, he's eligible for a huge solar energy tax credit!

'It's so expensive because it doesn't do as much as other computers and it's harder to use.'

"I've decided to forgo expensive gifts with acts of apathy."

"We're cutting costs now, so get rid of the petting zoo."

'Oh no, green waxy build up.'

'This lettuce will grow on Mars...by the way, find out if 'red lettuce' is copyrighted.'

How to do without

'I know the marketing budget is stretched...but I still think we need professional models!'

'Sir, our new automated telephone system saves us $20,000 annually, but our phone business has dropped 66%!'

"Armstrong, you're the cheapest cheapskate on earth." "Not yet, but a man can dream." "This toothache is killing me but I have no money and no insurance. Do you know where I can find a really cheap dentist?" "Of course. I can give you my guy's name. He works for peanuts." "I’ll get a pen." "You’ll also need a passport and lots of penicillin."

"I'm finding this model very economical!"

LawnGrazer 3000; The Solar Powered, Remote Controlled Lawnmower

'Well, don't look at me!'

Two alien mechanics work on Curiosity.

"One day this will all be outsourced."

'And exactly how much less did it cost to implement Five Sigma instead of Six, Dwayne?'

'Bill, we've decided to increase your sales territory.'