Cosmetic Professional Gifts

'Don't move.'

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

Men find this shampoo irresistible. It's called 'Gee, Your Hair Smells Like A New Car'.

Bad fake tan day.

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

"My, grandma, what a big nose you have! Let's take a little off the sides."

The difference between cosmology and cosmetology.

"Can you make wishes on fake eyelashes?"

"I never thought turning eighty would be so much fun!"

This cream won't get rid of cellulite...it just makes it easier to slide into your jeans.

"Whoa. Jeff. Looks like you got that job at the cosmetic testing lab."

Meanwhile in Hollywood

For heavens sake,put some make-up on!

'Have you no common scents?!'

'I ask her to make up her mind. So she powders her forehead.'

"Pssst! I had some CGI done."

"No, Doris, not implants!"

What price beauty?

"Eternally youthful complexion? Here's the deal. Never go out in the sun. Never eat dessert. And, for God's sake, don't smile."

Do you think I'm sixty?

"Really? You can make me look younger!"

Why weren't we born rich instead of beautiful?

'Maybe a helium boob job wasn't such a good idea,babe!'

"He wants to be a plastic surgeon when he grows up."

"I feel bad for the companies that make lipstick."

"They've got me doing cosmetics research."

"Went with the hair plugs I see."

Woman applying makeup

"If they do let anyone go I don't think age will be a consideration. You shouldn't kill yourself trying to look younger than you are."

Become a Cosmetic Surgeon - Raise a Few Eyebrows!

"Well, what number sunscreen are you using?"

Frank & Ernest. Signe Painted. Cosmetology Dept. That should be "cosmology"! Why do you always get those two confused? I always think the one about space should have an "et" in it.

'I know you'll find this hard to believe but I am actually a self made man.'

'Of course she hasn't aged a bit. She's married to a plastic surgeon!'

Cosmetics. Helps get rid of crow's feet.