Corporate Linguist Pillows

"Your report just tells me what I already know. Good work. I hate surprises."

'Mr Burgess is very sensitive. Please don't use the words 'takeover' or 'acquisition'. Refer to it as merger.'

"The good news is that we do have a little wiggle room."

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

"We need a best practice swim lane to leverage our core competency, move the needle outside the box, and open the kimono while keeping our ducks in a row. Can anyone give me a sustainable solution to more vertical effectiveness without getting too granula

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"As your new CEO, I hereby change 'deadline' to 'soft squiggle.'"

"I swear, Bob, if you say "I'll think about it and circle back to you" one more time...X"

'This is gobbledygook. I asked for mumbo-jumbo.'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

Liquidity Lunch

"He has to put a fiver in every time he says 'fiscal imperative' or 'target orientated processes'"

"Kicking you upstairs is, of course, just a figure of speech. What we're really doing is sending you deeper into the countryside."

Terms and conditions on the mount

"You're all redundant."

"I made a straightforward proposal, Moira, and all I ask is a linear response."

"Can you smell that, Jacobs? That’s the smell of me about to offer you a retirement package."

'Don't you all feel energised, full of enthusiasm for the future!'

"I kicked the idea of mowing the lawn into the long grass."

"Enhanced branding metrics drive robust solutions for scalable monetization of jargon."

"Herewith, we recommend the following: when you're up to your rear in alligators, it's worth remembering your original purpose was to drain the swamp...."

'Ms. Kravetz, find me a euphemism to describe this productivity gain somewhere between resource action and you're all fired.'

"Call a meeting, Miss Pendleton. I want to hear some Corporate Creole."

"That wasn't daydreaming; I was internalizing my goal targeted self performance metrics."

'This startup is going to cost me a ton.'

"As I mentioned before, Fassler, you'll never go anywhere until you start using 'impact' as a verb."

'How did it go?' 'We had an exchange of views...I went in with my views and came out with hers!'

We all know we're up against a new ball game, a paradigm shift and a game changer, but luckily the cliches remain the same.

"A 'take charge' guy would be nice but I'm looking for more of the 'take blame' type."

"'Plummet' is such a harsh term, Mr. Dolan. We prefer to say priced 'below cost basis'."

"Would you stop quoting Sir John Harvey Jones!"

"Well it's been nice doing business with you. Maybe we could meet for lunch some time?"

"Nice speech. A blend of the aspirational and pie-in-the-sky nonsense."