Corporate Lackey Gifts

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

Business books - Who's Who & Who's Downsized sections.

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'And I'm happy to say, that since the merger...'

Sign - Halt manager crossing

'I'm sorry, but everyone is in a meeting.'

'I play so hard that I have no time to work hard.'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"...but the big question is, does the competition know that we don't know what we don't know?"

"Remember...when the going gets tough...DELEGATE!"

'What's wrong now?'

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

Career Choices

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

'Before we starnt, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

Under new blame.

"Best project manager we ever had."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"Dear, did something happen at the office?"

"Wait, you're firing me?! But I was Time magazine’s Person of the Year!"

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."