Corporate Jokesters Gifts

Sales Upturn

"We need more reasons to merge than you want to make new friends."

'Here's a psychological phenomenon in which shareholders actually sympathize with management. It's called the Stockholder Syndrome.'

"He's an extremely loyal employee, but you have to walk him twice a day."

"Want to go watch the people who get to leave at a normal hour?"

'I was originally promised a post in finance.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

'Bad news, sir -- there's a leak in our think tank!'

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

'Will you kindly remind the rest of the staff that I'm the managing director - not the Godfather!'

"Serendipity is not a strategy."

'So do you want me to minute that George is dying of boredom and Nigel will rip my head off if I don't stop boring him with my blather?'

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

'I want to claim for black marker pens.'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

"By the end of next week, these fads such as social media, automobiles and making fire will all be over."

Personally, I was hoping for more from the intermediary process.'

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

"It's so cute when the boss brings his son to work and pretends to let him help out!"

'Hey, the quarter wasn't so bad after all.'

"Summarise all that's been said. I wasn't listening."

'The massive arrests have made the plans for downsizing much easier.'