Corporate Jargon Survivor Gifts

In-Basket: 'Value Deficient'... Out-Basket: 'Value Added'

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

"We need a best practice swim lane to leverage our core competency, move the needle outside the box, and open the kimono while keeping our ducks in a row. Can anyone give me a sustainable solution to more vertical effectiveness without getting too granula

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

He used to pass the buck, since being promoted to management he gets to call it delegating authority.

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'Miss Hartley, implement me a coffee and a cheese danish.'

'We no longer call it 'hiring' - we now call it 'insourcing'.'

'There's an absence of leadership in this authority,we need to explore the possibility of thinking about setting up a sub-committee to look into it.'

"'Autonomy' is the new BUZZ word! We have to unleash our staff. Professionals like you need to be free to use your own judgement, manage your own workloads...use your initiative."

'This is gobbledygook. I asked for mumbo-jumbo.'

"He has to put a fiver in every time he says 'fiscal imperative' or 'target orientated processes'"

Terms and conditions on the mount

"Can you smell that, Jacobs? That’s the smell of me about to offer you a retirement package."

"The best laid plans of mice and men... differ materially in their objectives."

GDP and G&T.

"We’re leveraging knowledge of niche opportunities to maximize strategic advantages."

"You're all redundant."

"I kicked the idea of mowing the lawn into the long grass."

"Enhanced branding metrics drive robust solutions for scalable monetization of jargon."

"Miss Davis, bring me everything we've got on turning a two-bit hole-in-the-wall operation into a multinational juggernaut."

'Ladies and gentlemen, we are the best team money can buy. Now LET'S PLAY BALL!'

"Al could you unpack these mining issues for us whilst Joel drills down to get some detail on the parcel problem."

"Call a meeting, Miss Pendleton. I want to hear some Corporate Creole."

Digital Marketing

JIT -Jittery Inventory Turnover

Clothiers. Suits - Shirts. The salesman uses a lot of business jargon. Welcome! You've done your due diligence. You already know we're a value-add operation here. Great synergies with the suit and accessories! And our tailor can right-size this for you. You'll be able to monetize the strategic acquisition of this suit via enhanced deal-making success! I don't want to "dress for success." I want clothes for repose. I think I have a great head for business but my body never wants to tak

'Ms. Kravetz, find me a euphemism to describe this productivity gain somewhere between resource action and you're all fired.'

"Herewith, we recommend the following: when you're up to your rear in alligators, it's worth remembering your original purpose was to drain the swamp...."

"That wasn't daydreaming; I was internalizing my goal targeted self performance metrics."

"As I mentioned before, Fassler, you'll never go anywhere until you start using 'impact' as a verb."

'Good work, I doubt whether any of the shareholders will understand it.'

"Boss, I didn't understand your memo. It reads 'W.U.W.T.M.S.A.' What does that mean?"