Corporate Critique Connoisseur Gifts

"You're used to long hours and low pay so we don't want to upset the apple cart."

"Wonderful. Another consultant telling us that the key to success in business is to follow our instincts. Wake me when it's over!"

Office in poverty and wealth

"Sometimes being an avaricious, parasitic leech sucking the lifeblood from a failing economy just feels right!"

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'That's our mission statement.'

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

Men's business romper.

"Does anyone here have a clue what it is we used to get?"

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

'Our problem is how to lower quality while raising prices...'

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

'I give this one about three months...'

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

'A representative from Merrill Lynch to see you.'

XYZ Inc, putting a folksy, human face on unfettered corporate greed for over 50 years.

"The Supreme Court says a corporation is a 'person?' Well, have you ever tried to take a corporation out for a nice, friendly beer?"

'If you have nothing to do don't come round here and do it.'

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"Brandon isn't adapting well to the open office concept."

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"I think he's overreacting a little when it comes to controlling his employees."

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."

"When we changed the company name, the stocks went through the roof!"

Someone needs to tell him that having Churchillian leadership skills requires more than a 10'' havana

"At First Infidelity we're all about integrity...."

"Openness and transparency are a big part of our corporate mythos."

'The question is - to what level of data do we wish to stoop.'

"You're quitting? You're walking out?? Couldn't you have at least waited until I finished outsourcing the company??!"

"The only good news this year, gentlemen, is our massive bonuses."