Corporate Compliance Officer Gifts

'Oh yeah! I'm a hell of a lot further beyond reproach than you are!'

"Looks like we found the issue."

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"And need I remind you, the 'art of the deal' is the lifeblood of this company."

"Can I savor this for a few moments? The ball's never been in my court before!"

"Marshall, somewhere out there, just waiting for us, is a loophole in the system."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

'That's our mission statement.'

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'Which 'win' is ours? Because the one on the left looks bigger.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Clear my schedule for the next five minutes. I feel the need for some spontaneous frivolity."

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"'Quid pro quo' is a no-no, Bradbury. Around here we say 'reciprocal altruism'."

'There's good news and bad news, J. B. - we now control 51% of this corporation's stock!'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

"I guess it's ethical. Let me run it through my 'Ethics Check' app."

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"I don't care if you are the Immediate Gratification Generation. Get out of my chair and back to the mailroom."

The Solar System (after deregulation)

The MBA Draft

"Business doesn't take a summer vacation."

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'