Cordial Comedian Gifts

'Do you know the Lincolnshire poacher?'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

Rattlecornsnake

'For your penance, download five 'Hail marys' and ten 'Our fathers'.'

"Sinead?!"

'He's really very busy but you can wait.'

'I thought up the term 'too big to fail'. So where's my bonus?'

'Well, I'll be...look at this...there's a song in his heart!'

"The Armour seems okay, it must be a touch of rheumatism."

"I am afraid Mr. Jones is in his career coaching session. Can I get him to call you back?"

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

Concerto for Two Horns

Street person selling bricks from wall he's leaning on.

"Some people call me a ball-buster, but I prefer cojones-crusher."

"Your heart won't tolerate any more town-hall meetings."

"Have you got room for a hand-knitted pullover?"

Uncomfortably open Mike night.

"We were going to adopt a highway, but Rachel thought there would be less red tape if we adopted an overpass."

"Goddamn it Randy, the constitution gives us the right to bear arms..."

"Why are you giving them whiskey?"

Parking validation

"It's boilerplate marriage vows with a pre-nup rider. Just hit the 'agree' button."

Campaign Headquarters: For a $500 contribution, the candidate will shake your hand ans sustain eye contact with you for five seconds.

popcorn...

"Seriously? You refuse to answer based on the fifteenth amendment?"

"You know I don't like to cuddle."

"I thought he was about to be knighted, too, didn't you?"

"Great job dealing with all those mail-in ballots. Seriously, top notch."

'I'm going to prescribe a sedative for those worry warts.'

"So are the results not very good?"