Cordial Comedian Gifts

'Do you know the Lincolnshire poacher?'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

Rattlecornsnake

'For your penance, download five 'Hail marys' and ten 'Our fathers'.'

"Sinead?!"

'He's really very busy but you can wait.'

'I thought up the term 'too big to fail'. So where's my bonus?'

'Well, I'll be...look at this...there's a song in his heart!'

"The Armour seems okay, it must be a touch of rheumatism."

"I am afraid Mr. Jones is in his career coaching session. Can I get him to call you back?"

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

Trump in Washington

Concerto for Two Horns

"Some people call me a ball-buster, but I prefer cojones-crusher."

Street person selling bricks from wall he's leaning on.

"Your heart won't tolerate any more town-hall meetings."

"Have you got room for a hand-knitted pullover?"

Parking validation

"We were going to adopt a highway, but Rachel thought there would be less red tape if we adopted an overpass."

"Why are you giving them whiskey?"

Uncomfortably open Mike night.

Deadly Sins Dept. Envy. Lust. Sloth. Pride. Greed. Wrath. Gluttony. At times it seems like it should be, but "oversharing" is not a deadly sin.

popcorn...

"Goddamn it Randy, the constitution gives us the right to bear arms..."

Campaign Headquarters: For a $500 contribution, the candidate will shake your hand ans sustain eye contact with you for five seconds.

"It's boilerplate marriage vows with a pre-nup rider. Just hit the 'agree' button."

"Seriously? You refuse to answer based on the fifteenth amendment?"

"You know I don't like to cuddle."

"I thought he was about to be knighted, too, didn't you?"

Mergers are going on everywhere! Big companies eating little ones. It makes a fellow want to sing. Huh? When the firms merge, when they cut jobs, when market powers king ... These are a few of my favorite things ... Hide the kids.

"Great job dealing with all those mail-in ballots. Seriously, top notch."

'I'm going to prescribe a sedative for those worry warts.'

"So are the results not very good?"