Conversation Realist Pillows

'I hate small talk.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"You owe me five bucks."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"...until death do you a favor."

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

Grizzly bears are gregarious animals.

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Very Presidential."

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"The Gross National Product and the Gross Domestic Product are doing okay. It's the Gross Domestic Mojo that's going down the toilet."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

Girl who can't cook meets guy who can't fix stuff.