Conversation Realist T-Shirts

'I hate small talk.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"You owe me five bucks."

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

Grizzly bears are gregarious animals.

"...until death do you a favor."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Very Presidential."

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"The Gross National Product and the Gross Domestic Product are doing okay. It's the Gross Domestic Mojo that's going down the toilet."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

Girl who can't cook meets guy who can't fix stuff.

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."