Contract Conundrum Gifts

'Following your 'barbecue summer' forecast, I'm revising predictions of your contract being reviewed.'

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

"We structured the deal so it won't make any sense to you."

"Okay, I'll renew your contract and raise you five sick days."

'Our union contract keeps us from cutting salaries, but nothing prevents us from charging for parking.'

'I have enough confidence in our project to put our money where our lawyer's mouth is.'

"Sign our updated non-compete agreement. It now includes nasty comments on social media."

"A handshake is as good as a thirty-page contract, eh, Mr. Harrison?"

'Of course I put the children first! Look how much I pay their nanny.'

"We're studying the legal principles of 'crossing a heart and hoping to die'."

'But how could me speaking at the Secret New Products Seminar break our Confidentiality Agreement?'

'So, what are the terms of use?'

'New Years Resolutions, paragraph 45, clause iv in which we will attempt to clarify the term 'butter buttocks'.'

'Of course you're overworked and underpaid! Didn't you read the fine print in your employee's contract?'

Suggestions/Terms and Conditions

Boss talking to lawyer, 'These new Terms and Conditions you've drafted for us are extremely long and overly complex - our customers are never going to be able to understand them. Well done Jones!'

"No this is your contract. The other one's your bill

"I was hoping we could avoid the middleman"

'I'm afraid, Reverend, that what the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.'

"Your medical insurance doesn't cover 'Acts of God' like illness"

"Before we hire you, we'd like you to sign this non-compete agreement. It basically states that you won't work anywhere else for the rest of your life."

'This HS2 brief is the kind of work I live for!'

"You forgot to read the small print Mr Burrows. My charges are ten pounds a letter and you have two hundred and thirty three on this page."

"His cell is a TV remote, his diplomas are elevator inspections, his computer's an Etch-a-Sketch -- but his contract's iron clad."

Lawyer to lady: 'Since I specialize in eye injuries, I've eliminated all the fine print.'

'Doctor, you're on the edge of violating your non-compete.'

"The Attorney's Lunch—may I hear the warranty again?"

"OK, let's go to contract."

"Excuse me, One has not actually signed the agreement yet!"

'Can I interest you in insuring against your insurance not paying out?'

'I don't care how much you interfaced, interacted, coordinated, arranged, or organized in the past. Just tell me how many prenups you've worked on.'

'According to this pre-nup, if I marry you I have to wait 24 months to upgrade.'

"This is Brad. If there's a loophole, he'll find it."

Shipping contract.