Conscription Cynic Pillows

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

The Forever Stamp

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"Comments are turned off."

"A survey found 82% of people think surveys are a waste of time."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

Personnel

'I go to college -- What do you do for a living?'

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

'And will you take this man to the cleaners....'

Born Cynical,,,,

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

Useful Degrees:"Bachelor of Waitressing

Information and Still don't get it.

'Here's an over-the-counter prescription for your nerves. Have your bartender fill it.'

"I married him for his intelligence, turns out that was artificial as well!"

"I started out looking for an honest man and settled for a guy with creative bookkeeping skills."