Connoisseur Of The Quirky Gifts

Chiantis In Translation

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Imagine

"Larry, nooo! Don't look into the BOWL!!!"

Drunk Barber

"I'd like a wine that was born in France and then bummed around California."

'The Entrecote a la Bordelaise? It's stuff on a plate.'

'The stuff legends are made of'

'Waiter, this jam tastes of fish!'

"Is there any way we could describe this bit of old tart that would make a Russian oligarch pay £2 million for it?"

"I'm told the omelettes here have a broader purpose."

"I'm working on a watercolor."

Blue wine

Apparently, there are manuals, and then there are MANUALS.

'I know those big money deals from NIGERIA are a scam, but this e-mail is from NEW GUINEA!'

"We have a Sauvignon Blanc to refresh your palate or a lick of this toad to obliterate your sense of self."

'I'm afraid you'll have to get this hold-up note initialled at our withdrawals counter.'

New Shoes.

'Honk if you know the meaning of life'

"Actually, I was first drawn to Judaism not because of the religious beliefs but the dietary restrictions!"

'His habitues tended to be cobbers in mutches.'

"I think this one will suit you, 'A dizzy little number, with a hint of musty socks'."

"I think it's called Alcopop Art."

'She went down 80 years ago, and there's still a line to get to the wine bar.'

Here lies Rufus J. Tosser. Inventor of the boomerang hand grenade.

"Ray says he serves his homemade wine this way for the presentation, but believe me, it's because it improves the taste."

'Of course he's not all there.'

New! Lemon-Lime Flavor Water Fountain.

"It's lactose-free! It's chemistry-free! It's free from animal by-products! It's the milk without milk!!!"

Your usual ginseng pumpernickel ostrich-sweat latte? No thanks. I wanna try something different today. The pecan praline white chocolate mocha's also good. Ooh, that sounds good. I'll have one of those. Coming up. But can you substitute macadamia nut for the pecan? That'll take some work, but it's doable. Thank you. And can you substitute turkey tears for the praline? Turkey tears sound good. And can you substitute pureed bagel for the mocha? Pureed bagel sounds lovely. I see where this is going

Freak Show

DracarASS!

The Unusual Baker

"Hello, national security agency? Send me all you have on Walter J. Conklin."