Connoisseur Of Absurdity Gifts

'I'm afraid you'll have to get this hold-up note initialled at our withdrawals counter.'

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

"Good" "Bad" "Work on it" "Keep working - maybe it's not as bad as you think it is" "Put it to a committee" "Give up" "Make it worse" "Make it better" "Still a bad idea" "Overthink it" "Throw yourself into a pit of wild badgers" "Throw it away" "Call it done" "Sigh."

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to work at home."

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

"Bigfoot"

Glance Exchange

Penguins flying to igloo birdhouse

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

Extreme Sisyphus

Optimist

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

"Now you can send it."

Zoo: No Hunting.

Fred's new phone plan included unlimited Dada.

"Who's next?"

Herding lava back to the fire pit.

"Valet park only"

'He refuses to leave without the tree and their son.'

"Squirting flower, squirting flower...."

'Because the horned one commands them to, that's how!'

One way only.

Presidential surveillance ass!"

'I'll raise you, Lazarus...'

"In a just world we'd have 'No Lawyer Left Behind'."

Ship upsidedown in a bottle has rescue boat in bottle next to it.

"Remember that time I let you steer the boat and we crashed and had to swim here to die? Remember?"

"I see you haven't forgotten how to play with your balls, honey." "Thanks."

"It's my helper trout!"

Robber on treadmill

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."