Congressional Aides Pillows

'You shouldn't feel guilty about it, Fred - your Congressman isn't really representing you.'

"Oh, I'll be bi-partisan alright, punishing both sides of the aisle."

The president's men

"Based on the feedback from advisers whom I haven't beheaded, all of my ideas are great."

Public Relations: Reputations cleaned and repaired

First you're a law student, then you're a lawyer, then you're a judge, then you're a politician, then you're a criminal.

SAGE mentality

'What's the difference? Some people call it privatizing government. Others call it super pacs buying congressmen.'

Rock and a Hard Place

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

'This 'infrastructure' stuff you keep talking about -- does it have anything to do with vegetables?'

"Rudy has asked me to apologize, on his behalf, for your being offended..."

How a Bill Becomes a Law, 2023

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'If you have to ask, you can't afford it.'

The Republican's Plan One: No Obama!

'Confusing, dangerous times call for confusing, dangerous leadership!'

"I'm not spinning - I'm contextualizing."

"I prefer to keep my op-ed article anonymous. I'm Trump's conscience."

"Our intelligence shows that everybody loves us."

'We've conducted a chemical analysis of the beef in hot dogs, and we've determined, Mr Ruth, you are guilty of steroid enhancement.'

Worthless B*****ds

"He's only been president a few months. Just give hima little time."

"Our rule of thumb is: 'Keep it complicated' - so no one will understand how we choose a candidate."

Half a house is better than none.

"What kind of politician would I be if I didn't politicize this crisis?"

'This year there's a bi-partisan effort in Congress to keep things as partisan as possible.'

The Election Strategy

"Some of it is soft and some of it is hard, but the main thing is that all of it is money."

'Taking bribes is understandable, Senator, but you really shouldn't keep billing records.'

StRATegist: Dominic Cummings

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

'Why does everybody tell lies about me?'

"Is there a spin doctor in the house?"

'I wouldn't put much faith into Senator Bludgeon's promise to immediately begin investigating the competition. After all, it takes 30 days just to make instant coffee in the Senate.'