Congressional Aide Pillows

"Congress wants to know how much fake tan we're holding."

Sen. Krupt. I can't believe how little I was offered for my seat --- It's hardly been used!

'And this one for handling tough questions from congress...'

Secret Service Phone Data... Scheduled to Delete...

"Oh, I'll be bi-partisan alright, punishing both sides of the aisle."

The president's men

"Based on the feedback from advisers whom I haven't beheaded, all of my ideas are great."

Public Relations: Reputations cleaned and repaired

First you're a law student, then you're a lawyer, then you're a judge, then you're a politician, then you're a criminal.

SAGE mentality

Rock and a Hard Place

'What's the difference? Some people call it privatizing government. Others call it super pacs buying congressmen.'

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

'This 'infrastructure' stuff you keep talking about -- does it have anything to do with vegetables?'

How a Bill Becomes a Law, 2023

'Confusing, dangerous times call for confusing, dangerous leadership!'

"I'm not spinning - I'm contextualizing."

The Republican's Plan One: No Obama!

'If you have to ask, you can't afford it.'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"Rudy has asked me to apologize, on his behalf, for your being offended..."

"Our intelligence shows that everybody loves us."

Think tanks.

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"Our rule of thumb is: 'Keep it complicated' - so no one will understand how we choose a candidate."

Worthless B*****ds

"He's only been president a few months. Just give hima little time."

"What kind of politician would I be if I didn't politicize this crisis?"

'This year there's a bi-partisan effort in Congress to keep things as partisan as possible.'

Half a house is better than none.

"Some of it is soft and some of it is hard, but the main thing is that all of it is money."

The Election Strategy

'Taking bribes is understandable, Senator, but you really shouldn't keep billing records.'

"Is there a spin doctor in the house?"

'I believe in you, Jeffrey, and I believe in Al Gore.'