Congregation Companion T-Shirts

"It's true we like our members to be regular givers, but irregular givers are certainly welcome."

"I heard they mate for life."

Of course your master calls you 'Man's best friend'. As your attorney I advise you to get it in writing.

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

"I like you because you have absolutely no agenda."

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

Best friends without borders.

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'Okay, we grew old together - Now what?'

'Man, I'm bombing,'

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"I'm against pain killers for players, but I'm for them for supporters."

'Thanks for keeping me company Liz: Sitting on my eggs all day long can be a bit lonely...'

'Amen will do ... You don't need to do the wave.'

How To Be Your Own Best Friend

"Hey, man, you didn't have to mention me by name."

"The doctor said I need to shop around for a casket. I asked for a second opinion and he suggested cremation."

"Sure, it's disgusting, but it's nice to have something that needs me."

Miss Frumkin, take a fugue in G minor.

McHappy

'You'll love the congregation. We're chock-full of sermon material.'

Crust is Risen! Pizza Nite

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

Designated Walker

Memories that still sear

"Line one, the youth group calling from up the creek without a paddle...line two, Mrs. Kavanaugh calling from down in the dumps...line three, Virgil Larrison calling from death's door..."

"See that beautiful meadow at the base of Mount Mansfield? That's where I'm going to dump you."

"Confound it - stop talking in tongues while I'm talking in tongues."