Confidant Pillows

"Pity Party alumni."

"Everybody wants to tell me their problems, but they aren't the least bit interested in my problems."

'I think you'll find that I'm a very good listener.'

Time for tea and friendship.

"It's my box of secrets. It has things I've thought about but would never tell anyone!"

Licensed Therapist

"Sometimes ... I just want to run away."

'I know he doesn't like this house, but he'll just have to get used to it.'

I really think I can handle this date on my own. Lemme ask you something. Would you trust me alone with a ybot 340? An Xbox 360? They changed the name? Okay. But you cannot hit on my date. I'm only here to help.

A baby playing on a grand piano

"Have you tried barking at the moon?"

"Who's a good boy? You're a good boy."

"Your love gives me strength."

Of course your master calls you 'Man's best friend'. As your attorney I advise you to get it in writing.

"You're missing the whole gestalt of Frisbee!"

'You know, if you had one of those bumper stickers, I wouldn't be in doggy-therapy.'

"Nobody listens to me complain quite like you do."

"I've been getting really excited about squirrels even when my dog isn't with me."

'Don't worry, son. This bed inking incident will be our little secret.'

Personal Assistants.

'A common problem - we all give them our undivided love and devotion.'

"So tell me more about the dog sitter."

Spa Dog

'I've been depressed ever since PBS said pigs are smarter than dogs!'

Wearing bras in 2020.

"He's anxious to resume perpetrating his usual activities."

'Don't get me wrong, the professional dog-walker is nice, but it is not really the same as if my Master was walking me...'

"See? This is what I'm talking about! If you always show how happy you are to see everyone, you give them all the power in the relationship!"

"I now propose a 5 minute break so we can confide with our dogs."

"I feel like my emotional baggage is permanently stuck on the luggage carousel."

With his mothers persuasion, Joe decided to 'come clean' to the police!

'My wife doesn't understand us.'

"Glen, I'm not just your editor. I'm also your best friend, and I'm telling you, lose the cat."

"So tell me, what exactly does fear smell like?"

"I know she's only pretending to throw the ball but I still run for it."