Condiment Humorist Pillows

"Have we got Ranch? What the hell is Ranch??"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'The Burrito King.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

A Club Sandwitch.

"What? You broke number 3 already?"

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

Garlic Free Zone.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

Where Deviled Eggs come from

I don't know what happened to the poor guy, but he's visibly shaken.

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

'Look, I know it's artificial orange, but you're sick, I say, sick.'