Community Dynamics Analyst Pillows

Church Parking Lot Contains Nothing But Handicap Spaces

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

Suzie would later win a Nobel Prize for her Law of Special Social Relativity.

Common Core Family Therapy

"I appreciate that you brought me to 'Take our daughters to work day' all those years ago, dad, but I still have to let you go!"

It come's to my attention that you have been doing the work of two men.

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"Next on the agenda: How can we crush workers' spirit, while appearing to care?"

"It's time for your performance review where I damn you with faint praise."

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

Please Do Not Throw Cups of Beer At The Players... It's A Waste of Beer.'

'We're like one big family tree... that's why everyone is in therapy.'

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

"It's late. I am not getting into another heated discussion with you."

'Hank here brings 10 years of top sales experience to our company so let's all try to make him feel welcome while he makes you all look bad...'

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

"I want to know why when I'm in a room people ignore me."

'I blame my parents, they never set me any standards worth rebelling against.'

'Dayton, you're a decent, respectable, ethical, honest and nice guy. What the hell are you up to?'

'I'll take that as a screwed up ball of paper bouncing off my head then?'

Corporate Scapegoat of the Month (Poster hanging on company hallway)

"Just because your mother devoured your siblings and not you didn't mean she valued you any less. She was just full."

"He's feeling neglected. Should we text him?"

Above Reproach.

Abstraction and recognition

'They sort of grow on you.'

'it's either mass hysteria, or a very effective advertising campaign.'

'Sorry, I don't have anything smaller.'

"Meet your new baby brother! We decided to upgrade."

"Typical, you knew my mother was coming today, so you had to have a big meal to be torpid for a few days!"

"Let's talk about your overprotective mother."

"Don't fight us, Timmy. We have numerical superiority."

"She's one of those bad mothers who say they're bad mothers but think they're good mothers."