Communion Comedian Gifts

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

Einstein develops his theories that time is relative while ordering at a fast food restaurant.

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

Adam puts God on hold while texting.

St. Elmo's fired.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"The whole neighborhood has an opinion on who the next pope should be."

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

Garden of Eden and scrumping

"Good luck, Sanders. We're sure going to miss that little imitation you do of me at office parties."

'What about three-day Sabbaths?'

Applause

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"Take me home now!"

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"I dreamed last night that I had a job within walking distance."

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

You may have hired the best lawyer but I don't think that you can sue God because of a downgoing Dow Jones, sir.

How's my Sermon . . .

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Ten business commandments, city trading floor

"Road construction used to bother me. But compared to all the craziness going on in the world, I'll take this any day."

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

'Thank you for waiting. Please continue to hold and your call will bee answered as soon as we can.'

Martian Rovers find proof of intelligent life on the red planet.

'Hello, my name is Death'

Trapeze artists commuting

"Closed until further notice."

Beep' 'beep' 'beep' 'beep'' - 'Slam!' - 'Great... another long week of pain and humiliation ahead...' - ''Click'' - 'God, Ilove my job.' - '' -