Communion Comedian Gifts

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

Adam puts God on hold while texting.

St. Elmo's fired.

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"The whole neighborhood has an opinion on who the next pope should be."

Garden of Eden and scrumping

'What about three-day Sabbaths?'

"Good luck, Sanders. We're sure going to miss that little imitation you do of me at office parties."

Applause

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"Take me home now!"

"I dreamed last night that I had a job within walking distance."

How's my Sermon . . .

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Ten business commandments, city trading floor

"Road construction used to bother me. But compared to all the craziness going on in the world, I'll take this any day."

'Hello, my name is Death'

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

Martian Rovers find proof of intelligent life on the red planet.

'Thank you for waiting. Please continue to hold and your call will bee answered as soon as we can.'

Beep' 'beep' 'beep' 'beep'' - 'Slam!' - 'Great... another long week of pain and humiliation ahead...' - ''Click'' - 'God, Ilove my job.' - '' -

"Closed until further notice."

Trapeze artists commuting

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."