Commencement Speech Gifts

"This is not the first time I have been asked to speak."

'Hmph. College kids.'

College. Did you pick a major yet? I'm doing a double major in art and logic --- I want to draw my own conclusions!

'I guess there are lots of rotten jobs, Gramma...I hope I don't have to clean the taco hut forever.'

'I've already been recruited by one of the top fast-food chains in the country!'

'Irwin graduates from an online course today.'

National Academy of Sport

'I took a couple of years off after college to work on my smirk.'

Ten Years to get the Ph.D

Yahoo! What's that about? She got into the college of her choice. Which college is it? Not sure. She chose to apply to 37. West Fester High School.

Day one, post grad

'Those are the Divinity students.'

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

"I got my PhD in Nursing just so people would have to call me Doctor."

DACA

"In obedience school, I was voted 'Most likely to chew a slipper'."

T-Rex as a graduation speaker. Everything was going well until someone in the first row moved!"

Graduating students asking for cash donations.

Canine Grammar. Getting a Master's. Shelter Adoptions. Getting masters.

'But Marvin, you can't be a college graduate for a living!'

"Oh, it's a grand day for Harvard!"

Graduation keynote speakers.

'F.G.G. First Grade Graduate.'

'Welcome graduates, parents, guests, faculty, and home equity loan officers.'

Bovine Proctology Graduation

'Perfect - as Sir will know, the fashion is for the looser suit this year...'

"What does he know, and how long will he know it?"

'06 Graduation (The March of the Penguins).

"In an effort to avoid controversy, and to accommodate our attention spans, we will be replacing the commencement speaker with fortune cookies."

School of Baristas

"I know so much that I don't know where to begin."

"In conclusion, I hope you all make plenty of money to donate to your alma mater."

Happy Graduation

"Is there an ebony tower, too?"

"This is not the first time I have been asked to speak."