Commencement Speech Pillows

"This is not the first time I have been asked to speak."

'Hmph. College kids.'

'I guess there are lots of rotten jobs, Gramma...I hope I don't have to clean the taco hut forever.'

'I've already been recruited by one of the top fast-food chains in the country!'

'Irwin graduates from an online course today.'

National Academy of Sport

'I took a couple of years off after college to work on my smirk.'

Ten Years to get the Ph.D

'Those are the Divinity students.'

Day one, post grad

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

"I got my PhD in Nursing just so people would have to call me Doctor."

DACA

T-Rex as a graduation speaker. Everything was going well until someone in the first row moved!"

"In obedience school, I was voted 'Most likely to chew a slipper'."

"Oh, it's a grand day for Harvard!"

'F.G.G. First Grade Graduate.'

'But Marvin, you can't be a college graduate for a living!'

'Welcome graduates, parents, guests, faculty, and home equity loan officers.'

'Perfect - as Sir will know, the fashion is for the looser suit this year...'

Bovine Proctology Graduation

"What does he know, and how long will he know it?"

'06 Graduation (The March of the Penguins).

"In an effort to avoid controversy, and to accommodate our attention spans, we will be replacing the commencement speaker with fortune cookies."

School of Baristas

"I know so much that I don't know where to begin."

"In conclusion, I hope you all make plenty of money to donate to your alma mater."

"This is not the first time I have been asked to speak."

'We have to pay back our loans?'

"Is there an ebony tower, too?"