Comedy Sketch Writer Gifts

"We'll get what we need from you. Guaranteed!" "Officer Madoff, the best stool softener on the force."

Zombie standup

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

"Shootout at the Soapy Canal"

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

Here's the Weird Anti-Terrorist Trash Talk That Stayed on Donald Trump's Cutting Room Floor After the Manchester Attack

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

'Dad, would you ming standing up, then accidentally tripping on the dog and falling flat on your face? I'll try to get it in one shot.'

"Larry, nooo! Don't look into the BOWL!!!"

Aw, geez, is my fly down again? Why Superman started wearing his underwear over his pants.

What's your thumb doing on my steak? Want me to drop it again?

'What's the big thrill about Budgie Jumping!?'

"At lease we managed to stop the leak before the water reached 'E' Deck."

America's funniest election gaffes

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

'We're looking for someone to liven up our Monday morning job meetings. Can you handle it Chuckles?'

"Actually it's quite nice. It's just that I don't think I'm your dad."

Comedy School: 'Please knocky nicky nooo!'

'How about a nice saloon?'

"What you have is what we call Cactunitus. It's when your skin is so dry you start to morph into a cactus."

"I can't mow the lawn today. A bug just flew up my nose."

Soldiers' Ego

"I came here to be treated - not flattered!"

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

"Welcome aboard, Thompson. Brono here will lay out the itinerary."

'I, pink, therefore, I ham...'

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

Petty Aero Larceny - I Stealing a Dinner.

"The big one dropped his weapon, but keep an eye on the little one. I think he's still armed."

I hear you're sending Rudy to a clandestine meeting with Russian agents for the purpose of coordinating the blackmailing of the American president. What?! I am not! What ever gave you such an outlandish idea? I overheard Rudy asking Siri "How do I say 'hello' in Russian?" That proves nothing. Then he said "Siri, how do I say 'my boss wants your boss to blackmail our president' in Russian?" That could mean anything. Then he said "Siri, how do I say 'that means exactly what it sounds like it means

Clive Anderson

Celebrity endorsements? I thought you said celibate endorsements. No wonder we're coming in under budget.

'We have lost the video and voice audio, but will continue with the laugh track.'

Why does every kid want the wallet size? School picture, early days.

Uncle Sam admires lipstick marks on his butt.