Comedy Magic Gifts

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Occu-Pie Mars

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"How can you be out of wings?"

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

They hated me.

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Soul searching? Yes, you could call it that."

'That's our mission statement.'

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

Showbiz Awards

"I'm grounded. I forgot to delete the car's computer history after we did those crop circles on Earth."