Comedy Gifts

"I miss you too, honey. Now put the dog on."

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

Quiz for dogs.

Eight nights of excuses

"All right, have it your way - you heard a seal bark!"

'Hi ? I'm from the Government, and I'm here to help you.'

"The Vesparados"

"First of all, this conversation never happened."

Optimist/Pessimist/Me

"Nobody move! I think I lost an eye."

"Do we have time for this?"

"Please hurry - I don't know how long my cat can keep him subdued."

"For God's sake, think! Why is he being so nice to you?"

"I'll work on the appeal. You try to escape."

The four housemen of procrastination

"Yes, Jeffrey, it too brave men to settle the West. But it also took a particular kind of courage to stay right here in Darien."

A couple watches as a frog in a wheelchair exits a restaurant's kitchen near a sign that says "Try our Frog's legs".

"We're doing everything we can to make him comfortable, short of dressing up as male doctors."

1715: Newton discovers gravel.

Try our frogs' legs

"Remember - any card that sheds glitter gets quarantined in the garage."

"The knees are the first to go."

"What wine goes best with vodka?"

Scenes from a successful marriage.

King Lear and his Accoutant

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

"I like it after the holidays, when the crowds are gone."

Self-Help Books Families for Lockdown

"I'm like Santa, but for 'Season's Greetings.' Here, have a box of cotton swabs."

"Nonsense, Mother. You'll probably outlive us all."

"The ringing in your ears-I think I can help."

"We just haven't been flapping them hard enough."

Dogs have name tags on their rear ends.

"You should relax less."

"All these years, and you haven't listened to a damn thing I've said, have you?"