Satirical Comedy Gifts

'Of course I'm at work with a fever of 104. I'm not going to waste a sick day off when I'm actually sick!'

Brake Repair Shop

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

'The wheel was great, but what have you done for me lately?'

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

Occu-Pie Mars

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"You're fired."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"This position has become very important to the company."

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"How can you be out of wings?"

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

They hated me.

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'