Comedy-loving Baby's Progress Gifts

His first conspiracy theory...'Is it a coincidence the first time I walk, they start locking all the cupboards? I think not!'

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

"It's his emotional support animal."

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

"Have you met my bodyguard?"

Fat Kid 17- Swallows the phone

Oh, sorry, it's in airplane mode.""

Baby's book is titled: 'Dummies for Dummies.'

"I'm sure he wasn't that big when we went out

'Breasts can be so rude. So often they start without me.'

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- she's kind of a starter kit.'

Newborn making the V-sign

'I thought I might try a bit of Stand-up.'

'I guess I wasn't thinking. I bought a return ticket.'

Gangster Babies

'I've learned that adding water to coffee only weakens the effect.'

A dingo brings home another baby - 'You take it back right now... we still got the last one you brought home!'

"There are several words I could use to describe your condition, but I'm leaning towards whiney."

"No chance of accumulating frequent birthing points in here. This is the only trip I'll take."

We had to use my wife's pouch as a diaper bag.

CCTV? Good grief, what do they think I'm going to vandalise in here??

"Funny how they often look like little old men

Fat Kid 18- Makes lego dentures

Clearance sale. Everything must go!

"Look! the poor kid's prematurely BALD!"

'Well, it's a boy. And I think I can explain those sudden sharp pains in your rib cage.'

"'Waaaaah, waaaaah!' is not an answer!"

"Who do you have to know around here to get a fluffy?"

"Don't you dare ask me again...ARE WE THERE YET??"

"Which one is yours?"

"Gee, my first man cave!"

"One last question, where's its mute button?"

'Isn't he a little young for sideburns?'

"It was dark, damp and cramped - why did you lock me in there for nine months??!..."

"Baby FOMO."