Comedy In Healthcare Gifts

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

Prescriptions and Side-effects consultant.

"You're in the "Stone Age." You've got kidney stones, gall stones, and bladder stones."

'Perhaps we should start off with an underwear transplant.'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

"The first one's just a warning."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

Cardiac Recovery.

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

Virtual Doctor

"We need to update your entire operating system."

"Sometimes I wonder why I spent ten years at medical school and another 20 honing my skills..."

'Hah! The joke's on you — I already thought up a second opinion!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'I'm sorry. It looks like your insurance company doesn't cover pre-existing life.'

Kid with plaster cast being sawn off.

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'