Comedy Concert-goers Gifts

"Okay babe - let's rock and roll."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

"That'll be five bucks."

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

"Cat World Domination Day June 24th"

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

Technique #54 airlines are adopting for handling excessive carry on luggage.

Standard & Poor

"Friends have been scribbling on my cast."

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

The return of the four sheepskins

"Beer? I see you taught Roscoe to fetch?"

"Those are the lyrics? How embarrassing—I've been singing it wrong this whole time."

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

"I keep having these funny moods, doctor."

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

Yakety-Yak

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

An alternative theory as to why dinosaurs are extinct.

"I'm sorry, but your child just isn't very sharp. But don't worry. It's perfectly natural."

'Let's face it George: we're not spring chickens anymore...'

'According to this, you ate all the pies.'

'An this good luck charm is to commemorate when our turtle ran away. He's the one who took Jim's pinkie.'

"We don't use good and bad lists anymore. Now we have stupid, really stupid and completely nuts lists."

Quick, follow that star