Comedy Collector Pillows

'Your teeth are straight, it's you head that's crooked.'

"Do you think terrorists could ever poison the vodka supply?"

"Well, the census results are out, but a footnote says that the sheep count is probably inaccurate as the auditors often found themselves getting drowsy..."

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Videos You've Forgotten You've Seen Already

"For the record. This is usually the exact moment during one of your projects when things go horribly wrong."

"Upper right seven buccal filling.. Upper left.. "

'No. I said, 'Inhale deeply, and hold your breath.''

"...I said 'show me your PASS!'"

'I forgot the arrow.'

It's the thought that counts: Totally useless gifts.

"The strings are catgut."

'A five year cd? Who's got time to listen to that?!'

Buffet - Every Wednesday (Hospital drips).

Ice Hockey

'I said he needs an ambulance! Not ambiance!'

'You say you're in for perjury, eh? -- Why should I believe that?'

'I've got my bandages to protect me!'

"My security system sucks."

'Wait Samir! It's not a drone strike! It's my Sarah Millican DVD from Amazon.'

'He's our new Pallitative Specialist!'

'Dog Show' 'Worst breath winner'

'Good evening sir, I hope you haven't been waiting long.'

Manager - Grouchy Enter At Own Risk.

Tuba

Have You Seen This Leg?

A trevor of trainspotters

'Be careful, will you? -- I bruise easily.'

"Elective surgery? But I'm not even registered to vote!"

'Brawk...Get dressed Frank, my husband will be home soon!...Brawwwk... Get dressed Frank, my husband will be home soon!...Brawwwk...'

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

"It's the battering classes"

'My analysis indicates the need for an asbestos-ectomy, electrical-graphs and a plumbing-bypass.'

'Hold on, Marjorie! I've got something for that bloated feeling you have.'

'Once he stopped sticking me with needles, I felt great!'