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'Your teeth are straight, it's you head that's crooked.'

"Well, the census results are out, but a footnote says that the sheep count is probably inaccurate as the auditors often found themselves getting drowsy..."

"Do you think terrorists could ever poison the vodka supply?"

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"For the record. This is usually the exact moment during one of your projects when things go horribly wrong."

'I forgot the arrow.'

"...I said 'show me your PASS!'"

"The strings are catgut."

It's the thought that counts: Totally useless gifts.

'A five year cd? Who's got time to listen to that?!'

Buffet - Every Wednesday (Hospital drips).

'You say you're in for perjury, eh? -- Why should I believe that?'

'I've got my bandages to protect me!'

Ice Hockey

Manager - Grouchy Enter At Own Risk.

'Dog Show' 'Worst breath winner'

"My security system sucks."

'He's our new Pallitative Specialist!'

'Good evening sir, I hope you haven't been waiting long.'

"It's the battering classes"

"Does your tooth still hurt?"

Tuba

"Well, do you want to buy this sofa or not? You've been on it for three days!"

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

'Brawk...Get dressed Frank, my husband will be home soon!...Brawwwk... Get dressed Frank, my husband will be home soon!...Brawwwk...'

'Hold on, Marjorie! I've got something for that bloated feeling you have.'

'Since when?'

Take two, twice a day to help control rage. By the way, I put them in a child-proof bottle and overcharged you.

'Be careful, will you? -- I bruise easily.'

Now the end is near...and so I face the final curtain.

'My analysis indicates the need for an asbestos-ectomy, electrical-graphs and a plumbing-bypass.'

A trevor of trainspotters

'Once he stopped sticking me with needles, I felt great!'

"Elective surgery? But I'm not even registered to vote!"