Comedy Clinician Gifts

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

'Pick something you can tolerate from this list of side effects and I'll prescribe something appropriate.'

Please Tie Gown At Back Otherwise People Will Laugh At You.

'Who's your next of kin? When did you last eat or drink? Do you have any allergies? Are you wearing clean underpants?'

'I have the treatment all figured out. It's the diagnosis that stumps me.'

Nil By Ear

'You've got lot toe!'

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

Saline Drip Sommelier.

"Now that we're into spring, we want to warn you that spring fever can be contagious..."

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

'A little more relaxant I think, nurse.'

'... and we're also having a sale on do-it-yourself emergency surgery kits.'

There's Nothing Worse Than A Staff Infection

"I expect a speedy recovery,"

'What do you mean you're the new Paediatric Specialist?'

'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' 'Cut back on the chicken soup.'

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

Robot surgery.

'Everything is going to be fine, Mrs.Witzer...'

'You're giving me a flu-shot? Shouldn't you be giving me an anti-flu shot?'

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'Turn the other cheek, reverend.'

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'

'Just another couple of pages.'

'I'll give it back to you in a second hon, I just want to get this broccoli out of my teeth.'

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

"Would you like to cut the cord?"

'I was a junior doctor when I started this shift.'

'You think you have it rough. Try organizing a waiting room.'