Comedy Clinic Pillows

"The doctor will be with you folks as soon as he completes a quick online medical degree course."

"So, you've got butterflies in your stomach, a bug in your ear and a bee in your bonnet. Any other complaints?"

'Gwen, I feel horrible! I may have to cancel tonight's set. . . The E.R. doctor was so impressed, he let me keep his stethoscope.'

"Now that we're into spring, we want to warn you that spring fever can be contagious..."

Zombie standup

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

'A little more relaxant I think, nurse.'

America's funniest election gaffes

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

'You're giving me a flu-shot? Shouldn't you be giving me an anti-flu shot?'

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

Off Off Off Off Broadway

'Ha, ha! But seriously folks...'

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

'You think you have it rough. Try organizing a waiting room.'

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

Bob Odenkirk

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

Doctor's poker.

'Well, it's kind of an IV enema!'

'You've got lot toe!'

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

"I'd consider taking out this appendix you'renot using and greatly expanding your kidney area."

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

Doctor, I can't feel my legs! I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.

'Who's your next of kin? When did you last eat or drink? Do you have any allergies? Are you wearing clean underpants?'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'