Clinic Comedian Pillows

'The lab report just came in. The lab is in fine shape!'

"Your appointment with the doctor is at eleven-fifteen, but his appointment with you is at twelve-fifteen."

'You're giving me a flu-shot? Shouldn't you be giving me an anti-flu shot?'

"It never ceases to amaze me what little brains people have."

"Your husband suffers from SADD. Spousal Attention Deficit Disorder."

"The mood Disorders Clinic is three floors up, and then two floors down."

Doctor, I can't feel my legs! I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.

You have a low grade fever.

'You think you have it rough. Try organizing a waiting room.'

Radiology: 'Numbskull of the month' award.

"A web search reveals that you've been consulting other doctors."

'Your drug rehab seems to be going well...three weeks without a placebo.'

'I've got a bad back, Doctor. From sitting in your waiting room for over an hour!'

'Oh! How nice! An espresso machine!'

"Tick, tick, tick..."

'Level with me, Doc — it's contagious, isn't it?'

'If you're tired of only hearing good news or bad news, we're running a special on 'meh' news.'

'I know a skirt-blower would save time, but I don't thing the patients would like it.'

'Let me have an eight iron...er...mean a hemostat!'

CLINIC, 'Are you worried about passing your blood test?', 'Heck, no -- anybody can BLEED.'

'Please stop talking to the media, Doctor. It's my job to make any rash statements.'

Outpatient Clinic.

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

"I can't imagine her diabetes is affecting her body any worse than her sense of style is."

"The doctor will see you once you've waited long enough to understand who's boss."

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

Saline Drip Sommelier.

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

"Now that we're into spring, we want to warn you that spring fever can be contagious..."

There's Nothing Worse Than A Staff Infection

'A little more relaxant I think, nurse.'

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

Robot surgery.

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'