Comedy Clinic Regular Pillows

'Oh, and I seem to have Restless Leg Syndrome.'

'You want a second opinion? -- Oh, a big shot, eh?'

Zombie standup

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"Now that we're into spring, we want to warn you that spring fever can be contagious..."

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

'You're giving me a flu-shot? Shouldn't you be giving me an anti-flu shot?'

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

'Where my balls go?'

Death Beggar

'You think you have it rough. Try organizing a waiting room.'

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

'Well, it's kind of an IV enema!'

'You've got lot toe!'

When Stupid People Get an Idea

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

'Who's your next of kin? When did you last eat or drink? Do you have any allergies? Are you wearing clean underpants?'

Doctor, I can't feel my legs! I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'

"I want to report a race crime.'

The chefs were helping local actors who were tired of having short roles... by giving them a long loaf!

'Level with me, Doc — it's contagious, isn't it?'

Monet At Open Mic Night

"It's not you. It's pea."

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."