Comedy Cinematographer Gifts

"Making a documentary about a week in the life of a cat has proved to be less challenging than I anticipated."

Occu-Pie Mars

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Zombie standup

They're Not Just That Into It

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

Cut!

Working in the Hazard Zone!

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

Canned laughter for sale in Theatrical Supplies shop.

Giraffe Selfie

"Why didn't you simply open the window?"

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

Canadian film production

'This is the worst film noir I've ever seen.'

"Amateurs."

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

"You can tell it's a period drama because they're not wearing ozone helmets."

A knight sent to kill a dragon armed with a fly swatter

'Democracy? -- do you REALLY want the bars closed every election day?'

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

"And the award for the best use of AI in a movie goes to..."

Tim Burton

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

Filming Christmas

Aw, geez, is my fly down again? Why Superman started wearing his underwear over his pants.

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

"Citizen Kane first draft... Citizen Kane By Orson Welles & Herman J. Mankiewicz Int. Kane's bedroom Kane's old voice Call a freaking ambulance! Rosebud..."

Kirsten Johnson